I know….but you never know (PTSD)

I know you

You have been the most loyal friend for years

You have proven your love and that I can trust you

I know your character and your deep goodness

I know in my heart that you would never hurt me

I know you would never betray me

even though you are an imperfect human being and may make mistakes sometimes

But my brain keeps sending the signals it has sent about every person

for as long as I can remember:

You NEVER know– don’t let your guard down

don’t trust

he could hurt you at any time

they could just be pretending

she could be lying

she could be manipulating you

keep yourself safe

she could change

he could “snap” at any time

he might attack you

You are so true, and I feel so untrue

I feel so guilty for not trusting you

I know you are good

I know it in my heart

But part of me won’t know

won’t risk

won’t let down the walls

I’m always afraid

even of the best people in world

Note: I am not a poet. Those who are will find a lot wrong with this poem. Maybe it isn’t even a poem. Also, I’ve never been good with grammar or punctuation, sorry! But, I have been having a really difficult time with my PTSD lately, and just felt to write this. I’ve been feeling really bad for how it affects my friendships. I am so suspicious of everyone, even those I know are trustworthy and good, and I feel really terrible when that lack of trust hurts my friends.

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